Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
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Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I’d hang this in my house.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
screw you
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies