I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
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first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”