Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
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him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
There’s always that one guy
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.