My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
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I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….