Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
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Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Super Hand Dog Face
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor