kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
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ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
The game has officially changed 😎
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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D
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[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?