Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
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If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Knock Knock
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird