ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
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you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
turning my gender off to conserve energy
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry