What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
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I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
gm
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope