Life’s too short to have your shit together.
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i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
me hitting on a model
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers