Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
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All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE