In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
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“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”