1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
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They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.