who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
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Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
so this horse walks into a bar
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car