“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
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HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
The game has officially changed 😎
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer