cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
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*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Did I do this right
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores