I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
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[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
#titanic
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.