[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
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If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.