“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
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People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
My therapist after every session
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it