I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
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I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Steam Forums
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way