Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
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It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious