“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
You Might Also Like
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’