“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
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Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
what’s the point then??
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
what the hell pray for carter everyone
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Life with a cat in one tweet
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this