[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
You Might Also Like
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
WWE is French for “yes”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.