You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
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I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.