It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
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Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT