he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
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Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
A double negative is a big no-no.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.