The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
DATE: 鈥our profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it鈥檚 yours.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you鈥檙e alive
Me: can I just text them
My skin is so dry that I can鈥檛 tell if it鈥檚 kidding.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it鈥檚 ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 馃憖
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
If I鈥檓 suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it鈥檚 only because I want what you鈥檙e eating.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun