My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
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Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.