Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
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Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
gentlemen, hear me out
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
WWE is French for “yes”
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!