WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
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How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.