If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
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Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Stonehinge
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”