Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
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If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”