As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
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Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.