Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
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Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
My dad teaching me to drive
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.