Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
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my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh