I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
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I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
some things should go without saying
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?