OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
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[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
I’m not lazy
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started