All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
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Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Europe. Made in Germany.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
💯😂
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes