Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
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“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.