depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
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Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.