I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
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Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I put the hot in psychotic.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito