Alexa; make it look like an accident
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When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
me refusing to leave twitter
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.