My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
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When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.