me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
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I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
A dad and his duck
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?