DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
You Might Also Like
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”