[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
You Might Also Like
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
pelicons
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding