I believe the plural is “milves.”
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I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
girls literally only want one thing..
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES