u spoke cat all this time??????
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me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
How times have changed.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh