Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
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Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
🤣could you imagine
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?